mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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