I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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