bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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