Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
