I just threw up on my dentist
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
