I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
