GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
