it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
