I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
