The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
