just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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