He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
