Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
