i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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