Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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