Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
