I will die if light touches me.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
