Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
honey bunches of taint.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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