when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
