I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
