I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
