Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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