Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
