i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
