Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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