I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
