WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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