I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
