My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
