I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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