So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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