Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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