i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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