just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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