Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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