I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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