theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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