Nicole vs. Life
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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