I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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