Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I supernannyed him into submission
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
