nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
