I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
