I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
ok first of all what the fuck
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
