I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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