Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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