Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
