Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
