He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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