shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
