I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
