i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
