I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
