It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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