I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
